The insanity of Harry Potter 2
by Llama Love
Summary: Well basically, THE WHOLE THING IS WHACK. Haha, yes the spin on the 2nd book that you've never seen before. Sorry first chapter cuts off abruptly haha don't worry the second one will be up soooon! Oh and if you don't like it, Just press altF4 :P


CHAPTER 1

DUDLEY: I WANT BACON!!!!

PETUNIA: My Duddy Diddikins is hungry! SLAVE!!! GET HIM FOOD!!!

HARRY: Say the MAGIC! MAGIC MAGIC word!

Family explodes –

VERNON: – throws a tantrum – DON'T SAY THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSE!!!

BOOK: - describes Harry's wizardness –

READER: A wizard? Oh lord of cheesiness help me. This is going to be a shitty book.

READER WHO HAS READ FIRST BOOK: Get on with it!

HARRY'S STUFF: - is locked up –

_The book then continues to describe Harry's family in a most unflattering way and him in a good way_

READER: Wha..?

_It inspires reader hatred_

READER: Oh

READER HATRED: - is inspired –

SCAR: BEHOLD! BOW DOWN TO ME! I GET HARRY OUT OF TROUBLE!

VERNON: Did someone say something?

SCAR: no

VERNON: Oh ok. Now today is a very special day…

HARRY: EHMIGOD HE'S REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY!!!

VERNON: I am unaware that it is Harry's birthday but am very aware that it's the day I can make money from two dudes who are important and are coming here.

HARRY: …

DUDLEY: I'm a ponce. HEAR ME ROAR!!!

PETUNIA: They'll LOVE him!!!

VERNON: Yes. And YOU, boy?

HARRY: I'll piss off to my bedroom and throw darts at pictures of myself

VERNON: Exactly, now for some compliments

PETUNIA: Wow, what a dress, I am like, totally in love with you

VERNON: uh…ok…Dudley?

DUDLEY: Mr Mason - MY HERO!

PETUNIA: - bursts into tears –

HARRY: - snorts up some water which comes out his nose –

VERNON: And you boy?

HARRY: I'll piss off to my bedroom and throw darts at pictures of myself

VERNON: Yes. Now piss off and throw darts at pictures of yourself

HARRY: Will do – Pisses off to his room to throw darts at pictures of himself -

HARRY: sigh it's my birthday and I'm going to be in my room throwing darts at pictures of myself. Alas, woe is I, how am I going to go back to where I _truly_ belong..?

LETTERS FROM RON AND HERMIONE: - don't come –

DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF: - does –

HARRY: Dude, a weird creature thing. Hey, you interrupted my soppy time!

DOBBY: Dobby likes to refer to himself in 3rd person

HARRY: Oh. Well GET OUT OF MY ROOM! CAN'T A GUY THROW DARTS AT HIMSELF IN PEACE???

DOBBY: - Bursts into tears –

HARRY: Don't cry or I'll beat the shit out of you.

DOBBY: Dammit. That usually works.

HARRY: get on with it! What do you want?

DOBBY: VOLDEMORT'S GONNA KILL YOU!!!

HARRY: Well that sucks.

DOBBY: No shit. And now I gotta punish myself, you asshole

HARRY: I just wish I knew why Ron and Hermione weren't writing to me

DOBBY: Dobby was stopping your letters. That's why you met Dobby. Harry Potter finds out everything.

HARRY: Cool. Wait…you stopped my letters and made me feel like a social reject?

DOBBY: Pretty much

HARRY: Fuck you

DOBBY: - Runs off crying to drop a pudding on the guests head -

PUDDING: - is dropped on guests head –

HARRY: I hate you

VERNON: Our demented nephew…very disturbed…

HARRY: Ok, ok, I'm going back to my room…

OWL: - arrives –

MRS MASON: - screams –

MR MASON: She's terrified of birds

HARRY: And the way of wizarding post is by birds huh? What a bummer.

LETTER: - Is read –

READER: - feels Harry's injustice –

VERNON: You didn't tell us you weren't allowed to use magic outside school – you little whatsit!

HARRY: I…uh…forgot?

VERNON: Oh ok then. That's fine. Want some chocolate?

HARRY: Really? Thanks!

VERNON: PSYCH!!!! I'm locking you up! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

HARRY: Just don't go overboard and put bars on the window.

VERNON: Of course I am! What if a flying car were to come and get you?

HARRY: Damn! You thought of everything!

VERNON: Sure did, honeybunch. Now go to your BARRED UP ROOM OF DOOOOOM

_DREAM:_

_HARRY: Wow, would you look at that, I'm in a cage_

_PEOPLE: UNDERAGE WIZARD! UNDERAGE WIZARD!_

_DOBBY: Harry Potter is safe there!_

_HARRY: I'm trapped in a cage with nothing to eat…yep, safe as houses_

_DOBBY: Ok, so I just wanted to mock you…HAHA! UNDERAGE WIZARD! UNDERAGE WIZARD!_

_- DREAM ENDS HERE -_

HARRY: WTF???

Ron's face appears at window –

HARRY: AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

RON: Great to see you too

HARRY: Sorry, but your hideous visage isn't my dream idea of what to wake up to… Wait…I'm mad at you…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU…UH…um…neglector….thingy…

RON: Too valiant to swear at me?

HARRY: yeah…I want the readers mothers to like me, idiot.

RON: oh. Well I've come to bust you out

HARRY: huh. I was wondering how I was gonna get to Hogwarts

RON: Me too. Then it hit me. I should fly my dad's car here illegally in the risk of letting muggles know about the whole wizarding world, and not even consider asking mum if I can use floo powder.

HARRY: What a great idea. And that's why you're floating. hmmmm

RON: Like, der. Why haven't you replied to my letters?

HARRY: You're a reject.

RON: Oh ok. Fair enough

FRED AND GEORGE: Hi Harry! (we're here, you know)

HARRY: You dudes wouldn't happen to know how to pick locks would you?

FRED: Sure we do! I always know these tricks in case I have to fly a car to a friends place illegally and get their stuff for them.

HARRY: Cool. Now go get my stuff. And the stair creaks, so don't stand on it.

FRED AND GEORGE: 'kay dude.

HEDWIG: SQUAWK!!! (hehe, that'll wake them up)

VERNON: THAT BLOODY OWL!!! I'M GONNA COME UP TO YOUR ROOM AND UNLOCK THE DOOR AND CHECK IF YOU'RE ESCAPING!

HARRY: Fuck

RON: OH NO! HE'S GONNA STOP YOU!

READER: Dude, he's Harry Potter, of course he's going to get away

DUMB READER: OH NO! He's gonna stop him from going to Hogwarts and Harry will spend the year at the Dursleys!

READER: What the hell? Do you really think that this 251 page book is all going to be at the Dursleys?

DUMB READER: You can't be sure with these magic types…

HARRY: We're still here…Ok, I'm getting Hedwig

RON: Shouldn't you have done that when we first heard him coming?

HARRY: Probably. But then it wouldn't be a close call thing

Gets Hedwig and escapes –

RON: Phew, that was a close call

HARRY: See??? I told you it wouldn't be a close call thing unless I stalled

RON: Whatever…

CAR: - crash lands –


End file.
